Repetition

       The past few weeks have been paralyzing. I haven’t been taking my meds like at all; I’ve been ditching out on my weekly doctor appointments; I haven’t been doing the exercises needed to pull me out of panic attacks, I just let them rage on; I haven’t been praying and asking Heavenly Father for help. Battling anxiety and depression is hard. It sucks. It takes a lot of energy, and even though the methods to battle it are small and stupid, it’s easier to just sit there and let it engulf you. I hate trying to fight it. 

       So I give up and let it control me. I will be completely ready for class - dressed and backpack on - and I’ll just sit on my bed and listen to my anxiety as it paralyzes and controls me. It convinces me that I will be the ugliest girl on campus. I will get hit by a car on my way to class. I will walk into class late and everyone will stare, I will trip and fall, they’ll yell at me. I will have a painfully awkward encounter with a guy I went on an awkward date with 3 semesters ago. I will fail today. I’ll let these thoughts run through my head until I realize class has been over for a good 30 minutes. It’s just easier this way. 

       Elder David A. Bednar spoke here at BYU-Idaho last week. Out of everything an apostle of Jesus Christ could talk about, he taught us about the importance of repetition. 

Cool, well I hate repetition. 

I hate doing the exact same thing every day. 

I hate having the same Relief Society lesson on marriage every week. 

I hate going to class every day. 

I hate doing homework every day. 

I hate doing the dishes and cleaning the apartment every day. 

And lately, my mental and emotional health has been rolling downhill at full speed and my repetitive and stressful lifestyle has just been making it worse. 

So, I don’t think repetition is all that great. 

Thanks, Elder Bednar. 

       As I’ve reviewed his address and prayed for help to understand it, it hit me that my hatred of repetition is actually the cause of my most recent fallen state. Because I’ve been skipping out on the small, daily things to beat my anxiety, I’ve stopped all hope of getting better.

       In “Daily Bread: Pattern,” Elder D. Todd Christofferson teaches that the Israelite’s daily, repetitive collection of manna was what spiritually saved them. It was hard and annoying, but it forced them to turn to God everyday. “They couldn't forget who was the source of their blessings.” When we stop this repetitive nature, we forget God.

We HAVE to pray often.

We HAVE to follow the prophet.
We HAVE to keep our standards every day.

We HAVE to study the scriptures every day.

We HAVE to take the sacrament every week.

We HAVE to go to the temple frequently.

       Repetition, inconvenient and mundane as it is, truly protects us. Because of my anxiety, I have to live a repetitive lifestyle of seeing shrinks, taking meds, sucking up when all hope's gone. I have had no choice but to rely on Heavenly Father. I have to turn to Him every day, multiple times a day. That reliance has completely saved my life. I'm grateful for that. The process of becoming more like Christ is repetitive - learning "line upon line," repeating the principles of the gospel over and over again. How great is repetition and how smart is God for having us live this principle.