Aftershocks

- When I first came home from my mission, I was so focused on getting myself better that I was completely blind to how it affected my family. I should have seen it, but it’s only been two months since I learned that they were suffering along side me. The more I experience, the more I realize that we rarely experience trials alone, everyone around us in affected in some way. There's always aftershocks that spread as soon as the first trial hits. They come fast and from unexpected sources. 
I hope that those who are unsure how to react to a family member's early return will be able to find comfort and hope in my family's story -

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Coming home early, I expected a lot of ridicule, and so did my parents. One of the best things they did to relieve some heartache (I don't know why I've never seen anyone do this before) was send an email out to all our close family, friends, and ward members. In the email, they were open and honest about my depression and anxiety and bluntly explained why I was coming home. This saved me and my sisters from a lot of embarrassing and awkward conversations, and prepared everyone for my early return. We received a lot of love and were never judged or tagged as failures. Our biggest fears were calmed but it didn’t stop all the negative effects that came.

Makenna is 18 months younger than me and we’ve never not been close. We’ve always been able to confide in each other and share things that we don’t tell anyone else in the family. As soon as I left on my mission, our family was hit with a series of serious trials, and Kenna was the only one who would tell me the extent of the trials and how badly it affected Mom and Dad. In return, I told only Kenna about my depression and anxiety and not wanting to add to the family’s burdens, made her promise to keep it a secret from Mom and Dad. It was difficult for her to shoulder the ensuing trials at home and the secret of my burdens too.

Me, Taylor, & Makenna

Months later, my parents found out that I was struggling, and it came as a relief for Kenna. Her secret burden was shared, but another hard blow came when she heard that I would be coming home early. My parents are well respected and looked up to in the community and Kenna was scared that the Carr girls would be judged for not living up to our parent’s standard of perfection. Being tagged as a failure was a huge concern for both of us.

             

Two weeks after I came home, Kenna left for BYU-Idaho, and I joined her a few months later. My first semester back was extremely difficult but I couldn’t have survived it without Kenna - she was my rock. She lived a few doors down from me and immediately became my crutch in every aspect of life. She helped me a ton, but it was hard for her to deal with my mood swings and breakdowns, she had no idea how to help or react. She was angry at my situation and had a hard time when I wasn’t progressing as fast as usual.

Dad

Audrey, T, me, Dad, Kyle, Kenna

When the news came that I would be coming home early, Dad was mad. This was my biggest fear and one of the reasons I kept my problems a secret from him and Mom. I was scared that he would think I hadn’t tried hard enough to stay out, didn’t fulfill my duty as a missionary, or was giving up. But instead, he never had any anger towards me. He was angry at Kenna and me for keeping it a secret for so long. He was angry that he couldn’t reach out and help when I was in the mission field.  He was angry at the situation I was put in – He would think, “Good things are supposed to come to those who give their life to serve Christ, so why isn’t Chelsea seeing those good things?” He was mad that he sent his “anxious, wide eyed little girl out to serve” only to come back broken. He wanted my experience in the mission field to be difficult, not mind bending. It was difficult to see me so low.

Dad took me on a walk every single night the first four months I was home. We would point out stars, as little stars as there are in the city, and just talk. It was time set aside for me to talk about what I was going through and re-establish my relationship with him. He was always there to listen, provide counsel, and give priesthood blessings. Every time I see the stars, I think of those walks and am filled with gratitude for a dad who is nothing but patient, loving, and nonjudgmental - even when I’m at my worst.

Dad, me, & Mom

Mom

I think I was more scared of my Mom’s reaction than my Dad’s to coming home early. Right before I came home, I learned that she had really bad anxiety when I was little. It was the biggest shock to have Julie know exactly what I was going through. But seeing it in her child was a new experience for her. She was confused why I couldn’t be healed in the mission field and despite not having any answers, she was my closest ally during my recovery. She was willingly on patrol 24/7 - most of my panic attacks happened in the middle of the night and she’d stay up with me until they subsided. My issues caused a lot of new anxieties for her - I was always a worry to her, she’d freak out every time the phone rang thinking it was me having an attack, and she was always stressed that the trial would damage my faith.

Sundays were hardest for me. Without fail, I’d suffer at least one panic attack during church. For months, Mom would sit in church, phone always in hand, waiting for me to call. Once I did call her, she’d sit in the car and talk me through the attack. She prayed nonstop for me and for a full year, fasted every Sunday on my behalf.

She was always right by my side during my attacks and as a result, has been able to recognize and help others through panic attacks. Before, our whole family’s been guilty of judging missionaries that return home early, but now, Julie especially, has nothing but true empathy for them and their situations. I’ve seen her reach out to others in this situation and help them in a way that no one else could. The empathy gained from this trial has turned Julie into the most Christ-like woman I’ve ever met. 

Audrey, Kenna, me, T, Ethan

audrey & ethan

Audrey and Ethan were 13 and 10 when I came home and didn’t really understand what was going on. Audrey wondered why I was in my room all the time and why I acted different. Ethan thought everything was normal and just let me watch Disney movies with him all day. I’m grateful for their innocence and acceptance.

Taylor

Me & T

Taylor was affected the most by this whole ordeal. We’ve always had a hard time getting along but for some reason, she and I grew really close right before I left on my mission. She was excited that I was coming home and that we could continue to have a close relationship. She wanted her sister back but I came back as someone who was constantly in tears, hiding in my room, and didn’t talk. It was difficult to learn how to live with someone who looked like me, but didn’t act like me. It was hard for me to communicate what was going through my head and I tried to shut out as many people as I could, including T.  

Her tipping point came shortly after coming home when the two of us drove to Arizona to visit some family and friends. The trip was a new stress to me, I did nothing but break down the whole time. The reality of how lost her sister really was hit hard. As a result, she started to lose faith in a lot of things. Over the next few months, she lost all confidence in herself, lost all hope, started to gain weight, and spiraled into a deep depression. Between all my doctor visits, breakdowns, suicide watches, and 24/7 support that Mom and Dad were busy with, they couldn’t possibly see the severity of T’s struggle. She saw how hard it was for them, and doing the exact same thing that I did, didn’t tell them. She continued to bottle it up until she experienced her first panic attack in the middle of Spanish class. Because of the severity of her condition, the school counselor was required by law to contact my parents who had no previous knowledge of T’s struggles. Since then, she's been able to regain her faith and is so incredibly happy with where she is in life. 

- I wish I had known years ago how my family would be affected by my early return. The outcomes have been mostly positive and our family is a lot closer because of it. I thought my depression and anxiety would be a drastic trial for me, I had no idea that the bad times would continue to roll through. The aftershocks never seem to end sometimes. The more the aftershocks came to each of us, the quicker we were to rescue the one struggling. How grateful I am for an understanding, loving family.

“Hold on … , fear not … , for God shall be with you forever and ever” Doctrine & Covenants 122:9 -