Definition of hot mess: Last painful week as a missionary. Those bags though, am I right?
We all struggle. And there's a lot of people that are struggling with the same mental and emotional challenges as I am. I’m praying that this will help someone - anyone - out, just to know it’s okay, even though it’s really not and that you’re not alone. The Spirit’s been pushing me to post this, and I’m finally listening this time, so here goes nothing.
I’ve been home from my mission for almost 9 months now, 5 months earlier than I’d like, but hey, here we are. Life’s the lamest sometimes.
My last post nine months ago was about an insanely miraculous conference we had from Elder D. Todd Christofferson - so why not complete the circle? Elder Christofferson came last minute to a stake conference in Kingsland, Georgia, the most northern part of our mission. We got a text from the Assistants on Saturday night that SURPRISE - Elder Christofferson was in town and could only meet with a few of us, and we were one of the few zones chosen. We were way beyond stoked to say the least.
At that time, I had been out for a little over a year. The last 6 months I had been struggling way hard - I would cry randomly throughout the day, had no motivation, truly believed the police were out to get me, had panic attacks whenever the blinds were left open, my body would shut down throughout the day, I couldn’t drive, felt isolated and abandoned - by God and everyone else, was always exhausted no matter how much I slept, couldn’t talk to men because I was convinced they were going to attack me, and little things took twice as long and twice as much energy to accomplish. And I couldn’t understand why or what even the heck was going on. Nine months in, I saw a doctor and started therapy - they diagnosed me with Major Depression Disorder. And later, I would be diagnosed with a minor Paranoia disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Fun stuff right?
So anyway, end of background tangent. Three days after Elder Christofferson’s appearance, I was on the phone with my mission president when he first mentioned the possibility of going home. I was really upset after the phone call and kind of ticked off that he would even mention that - because the perfectionist in me was fine and I was convinced that I could fight it off. I had hung up and told my companions (another great story - trio with Sister Call, Sister Call, and Sister Carr) what he had said and pretty much screamed (yeah, I screamed) “The only way President could even get me near a plane was if the Prophet himself came and told me to.” Then it felt like the Spirit slapped me in the face (I get that a lot) and I very clearly heard, “Why on earth do you think Elder Christofferson showed up?” Then I sobbed (like a lot) and after that, there was no arguing with the Spirit, no matter how much I tried.
Elder Christofferson’s message from that conference is pretty clear and I can perfectly see how little of a coincidence it was. As he was speaking to us, he stopped mid-sentence, had his own little revelatory moment right in front of us (most amazing thing ever) and went on with this:
“Some of you, maybe all of you, some are very concerned about the acceptability of your service and how you measure up in His eyes. And I’m here to tell you that you’re approved. If you want a personal witness on where you stand, how He feels about your service and about your desires, I bless you that you will receive that witness. Sometimes in the next few days or weeks, in His way, in His time, you will receive that witness that you’re okay, that He loves you and that He accepts your offering. And that your service is worthy and acceptable, you’re standing approved in His sight.
It’s a wonderful thing for the Lord to say, ‘I accept your offer.’ So, that’s why I am here today. Some of you want to have that witness come more than once. You want it at the end of your mission. You want it at other times as you go forward after this mission. And the Lord is generous and is kind, and not too often, but once in a while you’ll know, you’ll get that. And that gives you strength to go on happily. Even when you’re stuck in the mud, you can still go forward happily.”
No matter what, Heavenly Father is still there. There were so many times that my emotions refused to let me feel that, but He’s there. I prayed to get that acceptance that Elder Christofferson promised. I got an answer - that my service had been beyond accepted - on the plane ride (a 5 months early plane ride) home.
He continued on:
“I look around the circle of The Twelve and I see one that has some challenges with dementia, I see two with oxygen tanks, and I say, 'Well, there’s my future.' But what I admire is that they are all doing as much as they can, from President Monson on down. And maybe it’s just a fraction of what they used to be able to do, but it’s everything - it’s one hundred percent. And that’s what the Lord asks - is everything.”
If anyone is struggling with any physical, mental, emotional hardship at all - whether you’re a missionary, early returned missionary, parent, student, grandparent or whatever, you’re accepted. We were given this life, challenges and all, specifically tailored to what we need. Even when it’s impossible to feel it, God’s there and the 15% you’re doing is 110% in His eyes. The darkness will eventually clear and if you ask, He’ll let you of His approval. PLEASE know you're not alone.
